Urinary incontinence! Nice and fancy word. Urination problems, well, a bit more human word. Peeing in your pants, now I understand what it's about. When you reach the realization: 'it's me who pees in my pants,' there's not much to cheer about. It's damn embarrassing, I'm not old enough for this, why me – yes, I've had many of these thoughts and many more besides.
I thought, without a doubt, that it would get better again, as I tore during my first birth. It was just a phase, I could just retrain. Unfortunately, it wasn't as easy as I first hoped. The doctors said they might be able to help me, but only when I was done having children, as a possible operation to ease the heaviness and looseness in the genitals would not be able to carry a pregnancy. 'Adios,' I said then. I wasn't going to settle for just one child.
After the second child, and a far from pleasant pregnancy, it was over, now I could seek out someone who could help. Now involuntary urination and pain had to disappear. It became a long process, with examinations, assessments, 3 surgeries and God knows how many who looked up my genitals!! Scarily enough, I almost got used to it. All women know the feeling of having to position themselves on that damn examination table and put their legs up in two stirrups. How degrading it is and totally exposed. We women are damn tough, we 'swallow quite a few camels' through life. Of course, we must not forget that many men also have incontinence and that must also be quite crossing boundaries for them.
Well, surgeries done, more scar tissue, bladder stitched up, less feeling of heaviness and fewer pains. Yayhh!!! BUT, unfortunately no improvement in urination – sigh. So what now?
Now I try to make the best of it, follow some research, aids, and most and best of all; I talk about it. I couldn't imagine not talking about it. Something that causes discomfort every single day, but not being able/willing to talk about it, I think it would feel like I had to hide a huge part of who I am.
My husband and I are far from agreeing on how much one should share about oneself, as it is a very private thing to talk about one's genitals, and it's not a topic normally discussed at the dinner table.
I think, besides it being embarrassing and degrading to have problems holding in urine, it's also a taboo to talk about it, and definitely why it's a silent area. It's as if it should preferably be kept quiet. A bit like in the old days, when you were 'just' crazy, because there was no such thing as mental illness. At least you shouldn't talk about it.
I live with a mental diagnosis myself, and was happy when my mother at the beginning said very clearly to me; 'this should not be a secret, we have to talk about it.' It was a shock because my parents both come from West Jutland families and talking about feelings was definitely not everyday fare.
My husband also had difficulty with my openness about my mental challenges, but over time he has become comfortable with it and can express how it can also affect him. Hello, that is exactly where I want to be because when we can put words to it, we can help each other. Not least ourselves.
Whether my husband will get used to my openness about my incontinence and other issues I have in my pelvis, I don't know. I take a lot of consideration for him, also to protect the feelings he has in this. I don't know if I am selfish by still talking about it despite his opinion, but I feel it is the way I can 'save myself'.
I sometimes talk to people I don't know very well about it if they seem interested. For me, it is part of acknowledging a condition that I have to learn to live with and that will probably only get worse as I get older.
For example, I would not have known in silence that incontinence underwear is being developed for children, men, and women. Wow, that is brilliant. I HATE pads and liners. I feel disgusting, gross, and smelly with pads – and hate having to change and be reminded of my issues every time I am in the bathroom. For me, they also chafe and irritate my skin, which doesn't make it any better.
Panties with built-in pads, well why not try it. Fortunately, I was positively surprised by what it actually did for me on several parameters. Being able to do without a pad felt fantastic. It even took away some of the odors I always think I can smell – great! For me, it was necessary that the panties are high-waisted because of my lower abdominal pain, and luckily 444 offered that. I have other high-waisted panties, but many of those often make my butt look like four balls – and hello, these do not – wup wup. So now I have panties I can easily wear under my high-waisted leggings without feeling like my butt is flying all over the place.
My first thought was that it could make a mental difference for many who really need to wear a fairly large pad. On top of that, it's certainly not cheap to buy. Environmentally, we are soon trained to think about everything we do – so bingo, now I am also environmentally friendly in my incontinence issue. Imagine if incontinence panties, like diapers, could be granted as an aid, that is, financial support, for a lasting condition that really can affect one's quality of life. I believe it can make a huge difference for many, so I have already widely shared my experience with positive responses, and several believe they will invest in it.
Quality of life, how do I preserve it, I was asked one day. 'How can you seem so happy and energetic when what you tell seems like it could knock anyone off course?' I told her it was thanks to others like her who cared to listen and were positively curious. I explained that I use it as a kind of therapy to talk it through, and precisely not keep it to myself and build anger, sorrow, and a daily life that becomes so affected by this challenge and inconvenience that everything else doesn't work. It's far from every day that I talk about it; fortunately, there is a lot of other good in my life, and I choose to appreciate that and focus on it.
And yes, there are days when it weighs more than others. I always try to keep it in mind when I have to do something, to prepare myself for possible situations. Most important for me is that I don't have to say no too much, that I don't start saying no to the things that give me quality of life and joy. I believe that a large part of the people who have urinary incontinence problems often stay home or at least stick to a place where they feel safe and near a toilet. They say no instead of, for example, going on a trip, to a concert, an amusement park, or whatever it may be, where there can be a long way to a toilet or queues.
Why do I think that? Because the thoughts cross my mind in my planning and arrangement in the choices I make in my everyday life. I use a lot of humor in my daily life, love laughter and happy people, and am usually happy and positive by nature. Don't worry, I'm far from Ole Henriksen-happy, but I tend to often see the positive things in every situation; there must be something good. I am probably one of those who can get a bit of positive spirit by comparing myself with others and their lives, which for me would feel worse. It probably sounds a bit bizarre, but if others can handle it, then I can too. You have to find what works if you are in a negative thought spiral.
Besides my incontinence, I also have quite a bit of pain in my pelvis, which means I have to economize my physical activities, by which I mean activity. I LOVE chocolate, so I have to do something active where I can burn off some of the intake again. I am an old handball girl, but have had to admit that it doesn't work anymore – who wants to play and train with someone who makes a jump shot and then stiffens up and says: 'Fuck, I peed my pants.' So goodbye to handball and hello to dance. Fortunately, our local club offers a class called 'Dance Joy for Women.' Here, everyone with all kinds of ailments can join, as you decide how you dance and at what pace. IT IS FANTASTIC. Lights off, a lit string of lights, and a little feeling of the dance floor on a Saturday night together with happy women, good mixed music, and just dancing as the body wants. Well, I have pain afterward, at night and the next day.
But I have chosen that it is like this. I have prioritized that this is how it is on Mondays. I have planned that I have my regular day off from work on Tuesdays, so I can relieve myself and get the sleep I haven't been able to get well at night. My inconvenience regarding the feeling of heaviness and the sensation that I cannot empty my bladder is also more pronounced after dancing, and therefore my nightly toilet visits have also increased on the night to Tuesday. Knowing this and being prepared for it, because I have prioritized that it should be this way, because I know that the one and a half hours every Monday are worth it.
This is how I prioritize my weeks, if possible. I cannot do cleaning, gardening, and go for a long walk with a friend within a few days. It has to be spread out and done in stages if possible, otherwise both the pain and my involuntary drips in my pants increase.
Yes, I curse it away that I have to deal with an inconvenience that, in my previous world, only belonged to older people. Now I am in the situation where it has hit me, what can I do?
Right now I am writing about it – imagine if it can make a difference for another person. Maybe someone else dares to put words to their own problems, talk about it, and possibly choose measures that can increase quality of life. It could be seeking help, acting on hidden inconveniences, trying incontinence underwear instead of pads, trying to find thoughts, activities, measures that can change thoughts and focus – who knows what can help. Maybe I have just been able to put a smile on someone's face, that would be worth gold to me.
What I can hope for is that being incontinent does not remain a taboo. Because I believe that many of us are in the same 'boat', but many are silent. Are you silent? Have you isolated yourself more? Do you feel lonely? Do you feel every day that your body does not function and a feeling of being unclean? Then you have my full understanding. I hope for you that, like me, you will seek help, talk about it, maybe just a small inconvenience can be improved and increase the quality of your everyday life. I can at least guarantee that you are not the only one with urinary incontinence, and besides that, I believe we all have other issues on top, as we do not all have the same cause for its onset.
My experience talking about it is generally positive. Most are curious, others listen, and then there are some who withdraw because it becomes too boundary-crossing. And it's great that they do, they stand firm on a boundary and make it clear that it is not with them that I should practice my 'self-therapy'.
I want to end my little story about myself and a small insight into my 'dripping' world by clearly recommending 444's product. I think it's a fantastic approach and vision. That the taboo should be reduced and that they reach out to all genders of all ages, children, young people, and the elderly as well as sick or disabled people with incontinence challenges. Hooray for this focus and the enthusiasm 444 has to help all of us with challenges.
Take care of yourself, find joy and solutions that suit you – it works for me.